I have not gained a pound since March. I've lost 23 lbs since March 18th.
I am not okay.
I am not thin.
I was so happy, because I'd been taking pictures and comparing them, and seeing such a difference. But I STILL see no difference when I look in the mirror. Not even the slightest. In fact, if I hadn't been taking measurements, weighing myself and taking pictures, I would have thought I'd gained weight.
So now, I guess, back to counting calories. Back to counting the number of water bottles I drink, the green tea I drink, the diet pills I take. Back to weighing myself first thing in the morning every morning.
It's so much harder now that our foodstamps were cut. I can't afford lean cuisines or fresh vegetables, not even from the farmer's market. I'm exercising like crazy every day. I just did 50 sit-ups and an hour of DDR. I'm going to do more later. I am STILL not seeing a difference.
I don't want to be like this anymore. I am NOT okay with this. I don't know why it's getting so bad. I need to be less. I want to lose 30 lbs by August. Is that even realistic?
I was getting so happy, because I can feel my hipbones when I lie down. I am reassured by the fact that there are bones, somewhere, beneath the fat.
I guess it's a plateau, but not really. It's not like I kept counting calories, logging everything, blogging every single day on my weight loss blog. I need to do that again.
I don't care who tells me I'm not fat. I don't care who tells me that I look fine the way I am. I do not look fine. I saw myself in a full-length mirror today for the first time in I don't even know how long and I felt like throwing up. I felt sick to my stomach.
The only way I'm going to be okay is if I lose weight. I need to lose the rest of this. I just feel like crying and never doing anything again. My head hurts and there is no food in my house.